I’ve been called a big mouth (not to my face) by so called family members in the past, to me, this just highlights the fact that they just do not know me …
I titled it “warning” I speak the truth as a bit of a joke. Its actually a bit of a shame sometimes that I haven’t been able to carry a caution sign around with me to warn others that I will say the truth and what I see, but then again when I think about it, why should I feel that way.
I guess that’s all part of being who I am, I can’t help but be truthful which seems crazy to question but in society this is not always acceptable. It seems to me that we live very much in a world where people lie and hurt each other all the time, often without having any conscious about doing so. I am not one of those people. I do however cause myself trouble in other ways.
I have a tendency to “put my foot in it” in situations, unintentionally of course by saying something that has potentially caused offence. I haven’t meant to cause offence but my way of thinking and seeing things has got me into some strife. There was a time a few years ago when I was collecting my prescription, and the pharmacist started chatting to me about something and we got onto discussing children, I said I had three. I was finding the whole conversation really awkward anyway, then from out of nowhere I reached forward and pointed at her stomach and said ” ahh, when are you due”? To which she politely replied, ” I’m not, I had my son three years ago, I guess I am still carrying the weight”. Consequently, the conversation then ended.
I must admit though, and not just from experiences like that, I have learnt over my life not to say too much, and to be honest, most of the time I do not say much at all. I find conversations in general too much anyway. I don’t avoid them In a attempt to hide what I might say, conversations to me are very tiring anyway, both physically and mentally.
I have always been able to see things for what they are, and as big headed as this may sound, I am very often correct at what I observe. Me and my husband have been together for nearly 17 years, we have been through a great deal together and so he can certainly vouch for how I am as a person. I think he is still very much learning, especially now that I am no longer masking as much how I feel. We have often argued over the years about a situation, or a person who I have just instinctively known was going to be harmful to us in some way, or cause trouble, and guess what, I have been right.
Growing up I felt very much the same, I guess that’s why it was even harder for me as your general everyday kiddie doesn’t really know what the hell they are doing at times, but when you are like me, your actions are calculated as you do not want to make a mistake, and so are very careful what you do. I could always see the mistakes others would make. However, when it comes to saying “things”, there is no real filter, and no grey area I guess, things are ether one way or another and no in-between.
Like I said, I have kept quite many times, but if something I see is so wrong I will either carry the burden of knowing this deep inside, even if it doesn’t directly effect me, or I let it out and explode at some point – which is my only way to communicate how I really feel if its all gone too far.
The later for me has been the case many times. I can give an example. For many years I endured bullying and abuse, at the hands of my own family – at the time I didn’t know what was really happening to me. I finally reached a point after they had put me through so much, and tried to convince me that it was all for my own benefit, and my children – this is when I got myself into trouble and got arrested, as the anger and frustration that had been building inside finally came out. Justifiable so though hay, as even the solicitor said at the time said that I should not have been arrested. It was my family that got me arrested. When I was going through it all with them I could not communicate how I was feeling inside and let all of what happened to me, just happen… I guess another women may have had much to say to them, or not let them get away with any of it in the first place. I was, and still am extremely vulnerable and this shows through my lack of responsiveness. Even when arrested all I did was cry uncontrollably the whole day and couldn’t speak. Yes, I was kept for the whole day in a cell – not the place for someone who is autistic, but I or they didn’t know that then.
There have been other times too when I have seen injustice happening, and feel powerless, knowing that the truth is not being said. I even once frightened the day lights out of my daughters solicitor when she was going through troubled times as the solicitor was not dealing with the matter the way it should have been – and my need for justice was too strong to control. I literally slammed my fist on the table during a meeting and shouted at her and said ” this isn’t good enough”! Which must have scared her as she said that I was not able to visit the office again. I can be incredibly strong and forceful when in that moment, but do not mean to upset or hurt anyone.
The thing is, I can not stand liars, people whose intentions are not true and I can see this so clearly. And so, over time I have alienated myself. That has meant losing family which to be honest I now know I have been better of without, some friends, connections, as people in general it seems do not want to hear the truth, but I can not be a fake person.
Why wouldn’t you want to hear the truth? I just don’t get it. They say the truth hurts but surely if you are told something and it is true surely that could help you to change for the better, that’s then a good thing isn’t it?
People reading this may be thinking that I am a little bit Jekyll and Hyde. The real truth is I am not. I am a very, very, peaceful person despite my rage which only comes out when I can not communicate how I feel in any other way. I need to be treated gently, and unfortunately throughout my life have been exposed to harsh, harmful people and experienced many traumas. In my life there have been times when I have done things and known that they were not right, but not had a choice to change them through fear, I have been forced to do many things I have not wanted to do but again not had the capability to say no or communicate how I have really felt.
As much as I can speak, I can just as easily shut down and become mute. I think there is a big difference between us autistics and other people. Its almost like we have a “too nice to people syndrome” and can so easily get hurt or abused. I feel this difference a lot. I guess that’s why I am most at ease when I am around other autistics. Maybe I know that they have the same almost innocence about them as I do, there is no expectations either.
None of my so called behaviours are done with any intent. As I said, I do not mean to say what I see if it was to upset someone, or tell the truth about something and hurt anyone, it is just how I am.
Maybe me sharing how I feel will help others to gain more of an understanding. That’s my aim anyway.
Thank you for reading if you have and your support as always, more to follow again soon 🙂